Harikesa Swami: One time I tried to forcibly put myself back into Prabhupada's association. After about three days of being Prabhupada's secretary in 1976 in August, when he was in New Mayapur, France, Prabhupada asked me to write a letter and I spelled every other word wrong. I'm a horrible speller. He wanted to get rid of me then and there after three days because I was such a terrible speller, and why didn't I use a dictionary? Actually, I had to take a devotee as my editor. He had to edit the whole letter because I was so hopeless. I said to Srila Prabhupada, "But your other secretaries can't spell either! I've seen! Why are you chastising me for not being able to spell, and now kicking me away?" And then he was very insistent. He was chastising me for everything I did. I was getting more and more upset, and I was holding on more and more. "No, I won't go. I refuse." It became a huge battle. "Go away." "No. I won't." And then more and more beating and beating and beating and beating. Finally, at the end of all this beating here in Vrindavana, I came and I said, "I quit! I can't take it any more." He said, "You can't quit. i fire you." Even to the last, "Get out. Go. Serve." I said, "I don't want to go back. There's so many troubles in that place I came from." He said, "I don't care what you do when you go back there. You just sit there in your room and chant Hare Krishna, but stay there." I said, "How can I go traveling alone in the mountains? No strong association. Nobody will go with me. Too dangerous." He said, "Then you go alone. You should be very careful of this so-called strong association." Contradicting again and again everything I said. One time, "There's nothing to eat, Srila Prabhupada!" He said, "Then eat meat if you have to." I said, "But what about my consciousness?" He said, "Damn your consciousness. You have to preach." He just bewildered me. Unbending. He wanted it done. That's all. "Make my books. Distribute my books. Preach. That's all. Don't come back here crawling on the floor, wanting to sit in front of me and wave your fingers." I was typing his books, listening to his latest words in my ears, completely happy. He wants these things. He's very insistent. And because I would probably get all lost in sentimentality, I don't think I would have been able to tolerate Prabhupada's disappearance.
Even to this day I cannot stand to see a picture of Prabhupada's disappearance. I cannot stand to hear descriptions of Prabhupada disappearing. I don't watch Yadubara's movie because of this, and he doesn't like that, but I just can't stand it. I don't know. I'm too sentimental. I can't stand it. Prabhupada knew me perfectly; he dealt with me in a completely unique way just to circumvent that sentimentality and make me attached to his instructions. Prabhupada dealt with each and every one of us so perfectly. Every single devotee. So uniquely. No one can say they have a complete picture of Srila Prabhupada. You can't even know one small feature, because in each and every circumstance, how Prabhupada dealt with everybody was so unique and marvelous - just like Krishna. You cannot know Krishna fully. His glories are unlimited. You can see in Prabhupada's dealings how he's manifesting more and more of his energies, his saktis, making devotees do things that are inconceivable all over the world. Inconceivable things.